The Matchmaking Gig
by Miki.Glaceon
Summary: Convincing himself it was just for fun, and not for his Cool Kid crush, John Egbert signs up on a dating site and gets help from a foul-mouthed online love professional, Karkat Vantas, to successfully woo his 'love' over. John takes up Karkat's tips and advice and begins trying them on a very amused Dave Strider... How would things turn out? Probably not in John's favor. In 3 POVs.
1. Chapter 1

Your name is John Egbert and you're sort of a nerd. Okay, so maybe you might be a complete, total nerd but does that really matter? Yes, it does, actually. You have naturally messy, jet black bed-hair, rectangular glasses that balance on the bridge of your nose, and two front teeth awkwardly sticking out, courtesy of the hereditary traits your Nanna left you.

All those things keep your Dork Level on high at all times, which is something you don't really mind. The reason would be your best bro, Dave Strider. He actually has a cute nickname for you. 'Egderp', was it? Yup. It was something only _he_ called you with, so dang right you're happy about it!

Wait, does that sound homo to you? You hope and pray like crazy it doesn't.

You are JOHN EGBERT. You are _not_ a homosexual, and you will _never_ be. Ever. No. You just happen to appreciate the fact that the King Of Ironic-ness gave you a nickname. He never gives people nicknames.

As of current, you are surfing the internet, and as you wander away from your chums for a short moment, your eyes glance to an advertistment you would usually ignore.

_'Unable to get your crush interested in you? Want some tips to get started in the road of love? Well, look no further! We have ranging from over 1000 professionals coaching people tips and tricks, and there is a confirmed 99% chance you will get your desired result. What are you waiting for? Sign up now!'_

You chew on your lower lip, in a mixture of both nervousness and excitement. Well, no, you aren't going to go and just try them on Dave... But you're bored, okay? Is that good enough a reason? Sounds good to yourself! Your mouse hovers to the advertistment and there is a soft 'click' as you, well, click on it!

Your username is undoubtely ghostyTrickster and you're raring to start off with this gig. Okay, let's read the instructions, what do they say?

_'After signing up, voice out your problems on this (link)_ _thread, and we'll find the right person to give you that encouragement you need! This may take a minute, or even a day! Patience is appreciated. Thank you!'_

So... What kind of stupid, lame story is the Master of Pranks going to weave for this? You think for abit, and decide on this :

_'hi!' this is my first time being on sites like these, so i need alot of help! you see, i'm a guy and i like this cool dude in school... but i don't know what to do! can you send your professionals to come help me?'_

...Wow. You did not just spill out your real predicament. _Whatever_, you think as you roll your eyes, clicking 'Send'. _It's not like this thing is real, anyway._

**== John : Be the Love Professional.**

You are now the dude strolling through the thread reading to what seems to just caught your eye... Wait a sec, what the hell. You're not a Love Professional! You're only a Matchmaker! (Which has pretty much similar meanings, but the word 'matchmaker' just appeals to you more, okay?) You are now also Karkat Vantas, one of the younger Matchmakers for the site. Even though you're usually pissed sky-high because of the paperwork each customer the site grabs in, you actually enjoy your job. You grab the cup of water that was sitting on your desk like nobody's business. You occasionally stop at a few comments, but you just proceed off to hopefully better 'stories', or in this case, 'problems'.

Your hands hover above your keyboard. This is one of the reasons why you love your job - you don't have to go around places so much. You just wake up, start your computer, take a look into the thread or tend to current customers - nothing much physical.

Then you ignore the narrator and stop at one comment. You squint your eyes.

_'hi!' this is my first time being on sites like these, so i need alot of help! you see, i'm a guy and i like this cool dude in school... but i don't know what to do! can you send your professionals to come help me?'_ _~ ghostyTrickster_

Oh my, oh my. A homosexual? FUCK YEAH YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS. This seems rather interesting to you. You start to click on the name of the user, the internet redirecting you to another link that gives you his email, age, birthday, stuff, and whatever.

You press the button that says "Create Email" and start typing one up right away.

_'SO PARDON MY RUDENESS BUT I JUST CAME ACROSS YOUR PROBLEM. WOW. IT'S SORT OF WEIRD BECAUSE CASES LIKE THIS DON'T COME OFTEN AND HELL YEAH I'M GONNA TAKE ON IT. I'M GONNA HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR PATHETIC LOVE LIFE AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO END UP AS THE COWARDLY SHIT YOU ARE TODAY. BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAVE PESTERCHUM, MIND ADDING ME AS carcinoGeneticist? THANKS.'_

Welp, that was sort of rude, but you don't care. All customers want is the help and you're giving it to them.

And now you wait.

* * *

**This is my first time ever writing something for the Homestuck fandom. Taking into account that I'm still stuck at the mindblowing of Act 5, I beg pardon for any dumb mistakes that crop up. Please feel free to correct me. And psh, I don't update often. But I'll try! In fact, I feel like updating this already...**

**Also, take note that the oncoming chapters come as shorties! I'm sorry ; v ; **


	2. Chapter 2

**Ugh I didn't update. But anyways I made a Tumblr, so here! : mikiglaceon . tumblr . com ! :D **

**Warning : Full of pesterlogs.**

* * *

_'Beep!'._

"Ah!" You softly cry out in surprise as your computer beeped all of a sudden. Was it mail? Anticipating, you opened up your inbox with bated breath as you-

Bingo.

_'SO PARDON MY RUDENESS BUT I JUST CAME ACROSS YOUR PROBLEM. WOW. IT'S SORT OF WEIRD BECAUSE CASES LIKE THIS DON'T COME OFTEN AND HELL YEAH I'M GONNA TAKE ON IT. I'M GONNA HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR PATHETIC LOVE LIFE AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO END UP AS THE COWARDLY SHIT YOU ARE TODAY. BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAVE PESTERCHUM, MIND ADDING ME AS carcinoGeneticist? THANKS.'_

Woah, those people sure are fast. It had only been fifteen minutes and they sent help to you? Cool. You add the strange person to your Pesterchum and seeing as a window popped up ( _'carcinoGeneticist' is online), _you begin talking to him after somewhat calming down your excitement.

**- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -**

**EB : hello?**

**CG : WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU WANT.**

**EB : uh, i got your mail just now. i'm ghostyTrickster!**

**CG : OH, SO YOU'RE THE HOMOSEXUAL? OKAY THEN. PARDON MY RUDENESS, MY ROOM MATE'S BEING A HUGE DICK RIGHT NOW.**

**EB : ...roommates? does your company live in a dormitory or something? **

**CG : NO. I JUST LIVE WITH MY FRIEND IN A RENTED HOUSE. IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL HIM A FRIEND. ANYWAY, I'M KARKAT VANTAS. **

**EB : i'm john egbert!**

**CG : OKAY JOHN. FIRST OF ALL, WHO'S THE GUY YOU LIKE? DESCRIBE HIM AND WHEN I SAY DESCRIBE, I MEAN DESCRIBE. EVERYTHING. PERSONALITY, LOOKS, TRAITS, LIKES, DISLIKES, WHAT THE FUCK EVER. **

**EB : uh... okay then? his name is dave strider, and we've been bros for quite some time. he's like, the coolest guy in school because he wears shades, and even though he's sort of an ass at times, he's really nice! all i know is that he likes making up rhymes and sick beats or whatever on his turntables, and that he lives with his bro who loves smuppets. **

**CG : HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED WHY THIS FRIEND OF YOURS WEARS SHADES.**

**EB : yeah, but he never tells anyone why.**

**CG : HMM. DOES THIS GUY HAVE PESTERCHUM TOO?**

**EB : umm, yeah! its turntechGodhead. he's not online right now, so...**

**CG : WAS THAT EIGHT FULLSTOPS YOU TYPED THERE.**

**EB : i don't count them but yeah?**

**CG : ...NEVERMIND, YOU JUST REMIND ME OF ANOTHER FRIEND.**

**EB : you're weird, karkat!**

**CG : WHATEVER. JUST REMEMBER I'M THE ONE WHO'S BOTHERING TO LISTEN TO YOUR PATHETIC LOVE LIFE PROBLEMS.**

**EB : so mean! D:**

**CG : JUST SHUT IT FOR NOW, I'M GOING TO PROCESS WHAT YOU SAID. OKAY, SO HOW DOES HE LOOK LIKE?**

**EB : he's a head taller than i am, has short and sort of neat blonde hair with a fringe swept right across his face, and his stupid shades. he usually wears sneakers and jeans with a long sleeved shirt. oh, and have i ever mentioned his freckles all over his face? **

**CG : JOHN, STOP IT. I CAN FUCKING TELL THAT FROM SUCH DETAILED INFORMATION YOU ARE INFACTUATED BY THIS STRIDER GUY WHO WEARS SHADES ALL THE TIME. IT'S A SYMPTOM. OKAY, SERIOUSY THOUGH, I'M GOING TO TRY AND THINK ABOUT IT. IT'S GOING TO TAKE A DAY OR TWO.**

**EB : that's just fine, karkat! thanks alot for your help even though you technically didn't do anything!**

**CG : SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT.**

**- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] - **

...Welp. That was some conversation.

Now what are you going to do?

**== John : Be Karkat!**

You are now Karkat. Closing your conversation with John, you sigh and rub your eyes in a circular motion. You seriously have no idea how you're going to deal with this. Why did you even pick that guy? Seriously, you never knew your past self, which was your 20-minutes-ago self, was so stupid. Your room mate, Sollux Captor, looks over your shoulder and you just _feel_ some sort of comment coming from his lispy mouth.

"Tho, whaths the problem thith time?"

"Some guy with a homosexual problem."

"Really now? Thoundths like you, KK."  
You turn around to deliver a punch in his face, but he stops you with one hand. He smirks as he looks at you from his blue-red shades and you release the grip you had on your fist. You glare at him and turn back to your work, sighing as you decide to rest your head on the table.

As stated from before, you work under a matchmaking service company and you've been the company's pride for being able to successfully match even the most bipolar opposites _ever_. So without doubt there has been pay-raise that up'ed your salary (earning jealous eyes and snide remarks which you ignore). However, the lispy, honey-loving, computer geek you have for a room mate drained at least one-third of your money for electricity bills, and you really want to kill him for that. All he ever does is stare into a computer screen madly typing god-knows-what away. You don't even remember how this guy was once your most valued friend. Stupid geek.

For the first time in your life, you are stumped. By both this love thing-y and your life.

Why.

**== Karkat : Be Dave...?**

You somehow successfully become Dave, but only for awhile.

You are Dave Strider as stated about 5 seconds ago and you are sitting infront of your computer drinking apple juice and contemplating whether you should contact your cousin Rose on a problem.

Your problem?

You think you might like John. Just a little.

* * *

**Okay guys really short chapter here so sorry! But get ready; the relationships (as in how the kids and trolls are going to be related to each other in this AU) will be damn confusing.**

**Also I shall stress that this is Humanstuck XD **


	3. Chapter 3

**BEEP BEEEEEEEEEP**

**Edited :3**

* * *

**== Dave : Think through the plan.**

Now, Rose _is_ your cousin after all, but... Will she even be ready to contemplate what this means? You breathe in deeply, rubbing your eyes. Rose Lalonde is the queen of sacarsm and nothing will stop her in her wonderful quest of psychoanalysing anything possibly seemingly interesting to her. You're usually able to counter her sacarsm with your irony, but this time you really need her help...

"Ugh..." You groan as time ticks by. This will have to wait.

**== Dave : Fast-forward and be John.**

You are now John and it's a school day! So, care to take a guess what that means? Ohh, yes, you're going to have to sit through four-blissful-but-awkward-periods of sciences with Dave Strider!

Holy shit, your mind looks like it's not going to stop fangirling anytime soon. It doesn't seem to even _want_ to stop, so now you blankly stare into space as your brain makes up the sweetest and the most cliche movie scene ever - with you as the heroine, and Dave as the hero-

"Oh, golly gee, sorry mate!" A heavy British accent washes over your dreams and drowns them. You've bumped into a tall guy with tan skin. He wears glasses and has the same messy jet black hair you have, but you're not going to wait around any longer! You're going to be late for your plan, goddamit! He looks at you, curious. He's about to say something, but you cut him off with a gulp and turn around. "N-No, it's my fault for being so, uh, bluh! Sorry!" You blurt as you grab onto your bag tighter, breaking into a run for your Physics class, leaving the boy standing alone in the corridor.

Goddamn, you hate Physics! But at least Dave's going to sit this through with you, you think quietly. And maybe you can even execute the plan Karkat got for you!

You close your eyes to take a deep breath, calmness enveloping you, chasing those homo dreams away. _Ok, let's remember, John, what did Karkat say? _

_**== John : Rewind a little.**_

_**CG : OKAY JOHN, I GOT THE PLAN FOR YOU. BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE, THERE ARE SOME RULES THAT NEED TO BE FUCKING IMPLEMENTED INTO YOUR BRAIN HERE.**_

_**EB : sure, karkat! what is it?**_

_**CG : FIRST, NO FANGIRLING. SECOND, DON'T FUCK AROUND. THIRD, FOLLOW ALL MY RULES. FOURTH, DON'T CHANGE ANY OF MY PLANS. GOT THAT?**_

_**EB : not sure if i do, but okay!**_

_**CG : YOU BETTER.**_

_**CG : ANYWAY, HERE'S THE PLAN. THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE THE SAME 4 PERIODS UNTIL RECESS OR WHATEVER, RIGHT?**_

_**EB : yup!**_

_**CG : SO, I NEED YOU TO DO THIS : FIRST, YOU HAVE TO ASK HIM FOR A PEN. REMEMBER HOW IT LOOKS LIKE, HOW IT FEELS LIKE, AND JUST BASICALLY REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS. IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER, WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER. SECOND, ONCE YOU'VE GOT A PEN, ASK FOR SOME PAPER. JUST WRITE A NOTE ASKING HIM OUT FOR LUNCH AND IF HE SAYS YES, REJOICE. IF HE SAYS NO, TOO BAD, YOU HAVE TO PROCEED TO PLAN B. **_

_**EB : what's plan b?**_

_**CG : SHUT UP EGBERT, I'M STILL TALKING.**_

_**EB : oh. sorry.**_

_**CG : I DON'T REALLY THINK YOU'RE THAT BAD TO WRECK SHIT UP, SO I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT PLAN B IS ABOUT UNLESS IT'S NECESSARY.**_

_**CG : ...**_

_**CG : JOHN CAN YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING RESPONSE?**_

_**EB : sorry karkat, you asked me to shut up!**_

_**- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**_

_**EB : ... :B**_

Ahhh, so that was what he said, huh? You think carefully and rush into your class - _oh, he's already there. _You hurridly grab a seat beside him before flashing him a sheepish smile.

"Sorry, this seat isn't taken, is it?"

He looks at you; perhaps he's studying you, whether or not are you good enough for him - after all, with those stupid shades, you can never tell.

Speaking of which, you'd really want to be the only one to ever remove his shades someday. Private thoughts!

After an excruciatingly long time, he speaks up, "It is now, not that I give a shit."

You smile to yourself and thank god, yes, get on with the plan! You gently poke his arm - it's covered by the soft, red fabric he's wearing - and breathed, waiting for a response. He rustles abit, before looking at you. "Yes?" You immediately heave a sigh of relief and ask, "Can I.. borrow a pen? And some paper? I didn't bring any, sorry..." He looks at his pencil case (it's red and cylinder shaped, you notice) and looks at you with a puzzled expression. He's probably thinking about how weird and nerdy you are. Nontheless, he answers, "Mm." and throws you a pen and a small stack of paper. He chuckles and says, "What's in your bag, then? It looks pretty full and yet, you didn't-" "It'suhotherstuffyoudon'thavetoknowabout." You interrupt, rather rudely. He looks taken aback but doesn't say too much. "Sorry, missy." He mouths as the teacher walks into the class.

"Ok, class, stop talking and take some notes. As you all are aware of, your physics test is coming up soon and I don't want to have Cs or Bs. I want As, nothing more. If you object, get out."

The teacher scans the class and continue, seemingly content with the fact that no one dares to object. He takes a marker and starts writing on the board, and seconds later, sounds of scribbling and paper echoes quietly throughout.

You wanted to thank Dave for the pen and paper, but you decide you'd leave it for later as a backup excuse. You examine the pen. It's red, too, and it has a cog at the top where you press and the pen tip comes out. Oh. It's a ballpoint pen, huh. You write the notes, the pen smoothly expressing your messy scribbles. Nice pen.

You continue with the plan by tearing out a small corner of the paper, and write something in it. You poke Dave who responds almost immediately - he must have been bored with class - and pass him the note.

He reads it, eyes widening, probably. But he just keeps his poker face and scribbles back a reply - hey, the pen he's using is red, too! You stare intently and-

"Hey! You, boy, pay attention!"

You mumble an apology and get back to your work. From the corner of your eye you see Dave adding a comment on the paper, and his hand is stretched towards you. You receive the note and open it up.

_"sure why the fuck not and sorry bout that stupid gay teacher - d.s" _

Your face carries a big as fuck grin as your inner self starts cheering - _yes, yes you just successfully asked the almighty on a short date that isn't really a date with you! Whoooooo! Yes. Hell yes. Hell. Fucking. Yes!_

* * *

**Blurhp dee bloop yeah I'm doneee~ Thanks for all the reviews, people! You make my heart feel fuzzy. :3**


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